Well, this has been a crazy week for me where all of my fears came to life at the same time. I didn't handle the week well but I hope I have learned from it. I had a breast lump that I found in the night Sunday night but had to wait until late Tuesday afternoon to find out it was nothing to worry about. Charley's ringworm turned out to be nummular eczema which isn't anything for a "normal" person to worry about but it's something that can and has triggered my fear that it is related to something much worse or that she will be disfigured by it. Charley has vomited twice this week (not spit up but actual vomit). The first time was after crying in her bed and the second time was after getting choked on milk because the bottle had a nipple with a hole too big. It was obvious why she vomited (to a "normal" person) but to me it suggested the possibility of something much worse-what? I don't know but something! Then, Charley's eating hasn't been as good this week. Part of it was because she would not drink formula but there were some times where she wouldn't drink my milk either. On the day that I was getting my breast ultrasound and worrying about Charley I went to work and found out that one of my co-workers' husbands was in the cath lab because of a suspected heart attack. Another co-worker's son had emergency surgery in the night because a 400-pound piece of farm equipment fell on his foot. In the middle of this my sister's fiance's family was coping with an unexpected death of a family member. So, the world was going haywire and nothing seemed to be right. It just brought to the surface my fears which boil down to our physical bodies and physical lives here on this earth. I told Pat that I felt like my emotions were taking me for a ride. The best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like I'm hanging on to the back of a roller coaster of my emotions and they are slinging and flinging me in every which direction. My mood and well being are dependent on everything going on around me. I know that is not a biblical way to live and that I have been given the opportunity to have peace in all situations. I just don't take that opportunity because I like to hold on to the illusion of control. Yes-worrying makes me feel that I am somewhat in control. How? I don't know. I say I trust God but I sure don't act or feel like it. My thoughts say that He is trustworthy but everything in my body and world suggest that maybe He's not. It is a little like Eve who decided to listen to the serpent when he suggested that she doubt what God said to her ("Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1)). I do that all the time. I ask: "Did God really say he will not foresake me?" "Did God really say he has plans for me and they are plans to prosper and not harm me?" Do His promises really apply to me? Have we as humans made Him up to make us feel better about all of the suffering in this world?
Did He really say?.......That's my weakness!! Yes He did......
"For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance" (Psalm 94:14).
"The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them" (Isaiah 41:17).
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them" (Isaiah 42:16).
"David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished" (1 Chronicles 28:20).
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).
Part of my problem when I get into one of these "fear states" is that the outcome is unknown at the time. For as long as I can remember I have had anxiety about getting bad news or information. So, as I waited for my test and test results this week I wanted to know RIGHT NOW what the situation was. I wanted Charley's eating better RIGHT NOW so that I could have peace about it. I didn't want to wait and see if it got better or worse and what if it got worse then we'd have to pursue answers and I'd have to wait more. I want to know RIGHT NOW that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. I look at this first paragraph and nothing around me seems to be OK. What I realized this week is that I do know the outcome and it is perfection and complete peace. If I can stay focused on that outcome and know that these other seemingly big things going on on this earth are not the final outcome. Death is not the final outcome. I don't have to look to my surroundings to find peace. If I continue to do that then I will be continually afraid. I have to have the faith to fix my eyes "not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:18). It's easy to do when things are OK in the physical world. It's easy to do when someone else is suffering and I can see the bigger picture. It's easy to do theoretically. It's easy to tell someone else to do it. Not so easy when it's my world that is not OK.
So, anyway....all of that to get to the title of my post...the words "compass" and "gauge" kept coming to my mind this week in relation to what I was going through. I did a search to see if those words were in the Bible. I was hoping they were because I was going to be so excited that God was speaking to me and telling me something specific. Nope....from what I can tell those words were not in the Bible. I still think that they were from God because they kept coming to me and meditating on them helped give me peace. I kept thinking about them and thinking that I want God and His truth to be my compass and my gauge. I don't want to look to my situations to lead my emotions or to measure what my emotions should be.
So, I did a nifty little search of an online dictionary and came up with some thoughts....
COMPASS (this comes from dictionary.reference.com):
1. an instrument for determining directions, as by means of a freely rotating magnetized needle that indicates magnetic north
2. the enclosing line or limits of any area; perimeter
3. space within limits; area; extent; range; scope
OK, so I think what I'm supposed to learn from this is that God and His Word need to be my compass or my INSTRUMENT to determine my DIRECTION. My emotions should be determined by this compass rather than my situations. My situations have always been my compass in terms of what I'm going to do and how I'm going to feel and how I'm going to act. But that is wrong and harmful to me and others. It is also not trusting God to be my compass and thinking I have to take charge and lead the way because God might not know the way. I knew the #1 definition but I liked #2 and #3, too. Basically a compass is an enclosed area or space. So, I think that means that there is a circumscribed space that my thoughts, feelings, and actions need to stay within. If I use the correct compass I will stay in that space. But, if I start to use my own compass I will quickly veer outside of that space. Honestly, I use my own compass the majority of the time.
On to GAUGE (from dictionary.reference.com)
1. a standard of measure or measurement
2. a means of estimating or judging; criterion; test
So, how does this apply to me? My gauge, or my standard by which I judge or test my situations, has been what I see and my own understanding. But, that is not what I should be doing: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). My limited, earthly understanding has been the gauge that tells me how to think, feel and behave. It is completely based on earthly things and things I can see. However, my gauge is completely off because not only is it based on earthly things it is tainted by "what ifs?" where my mind goes to the worst possible scenario. It's bad enough to gauge my experience by what I see but I make it worse by adding to what I see. For example, when Ryan kept getting strep throat last winter I was very concerned. A small amount of concern was probably normal and appropriate. But, when she would get sick it would just about do me in. I was using her sickness as my gauge for how to feel and perceive EVERYTHING. I was not at peace or content unless she was well. Of course no mother wants their child to be sick but it really wasn't that big of a deal and I should have been able to put it in its appropriate place. So, using a situation as a gauge is bad enough but I take it to the next level and add things to the situation that aren't even there. Is there an underlying immune system problem that is causing her to continue getting sick? Then, THAT becomes my gauge. It's not even based in physical reality which I'm not even supposed to be using as a gauge. If you can follow this then I'd say you are as loony as me! If you are still reading then I'd say you have too much time on your hands. Anyway-bottom line is God and His Truth should be my gauge not a situation or circumstance and definitely not a "possible" situation or circumstance. Beth Moore said somewhere that God gives us the grace to handle actual situations but not situations we come up with in our heads. That's been true for me. I have been able to handle difficulties but what I can't handle is the difficulties that I imagine. Mark Twain said "the worst things that ever happened to me never happened." Yep-that's me.
In the end, I have to trust. To me, it feels like jumping off of a cliff and trusting that someone will be there. But, I have to do it!! Over and over and over because I usually grab on to a ledge and pull myself back up forsaking the peace that is mine if I will just LET GO!!!
So, it was helpful for me to write that out. I wonder if my loyal followers have any comments?
KK
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