Deep Thoughts by Kristi

I’ve been getting the same message from God in the last 12 hours…I love it when that happens. I’ve been struggling and am just getting tired of the same ole problem. It seems the anxiety will be with me always but I know God can completely heal me of this problem. The interesting thing is that without it I am less likely to be dependent on God so really it is kind of like Paul’s thorn for me. I want to learn the lesson so that I can be dependent on Him without having to suffer so much anxiety.

So, anyway, I’m going to record the things I’ve read in the last 12 hours that are all related to what I’m dealing with so that I don’t forget. Last night, Lysa TerKeurst’s blog had the following quote: “Just taking in the inspiration of truth but never being transformed by it will lead us down a dangerous path of doubt…reading the truth but not applying it…taking in knowledge but never letting it make a difference in my life…knowing what I must do to experience life change but never putting it into action.” I do alot of reading and get alot of inspiration. However, I must say I don't see much personal change. I respond to stressful situations in the same way.

Then, I was reading Beth Moore’s Breaking Free. On page 167: “Rightly responding to the Word of God is our ticket on the freedom train….we want God to somehow wave a wand over us and magically remove every hindrance without requiring anything of us….God desires to change us from the inside out---renewing our minds, starving our self-destructive tendencies, and teaching us to form new habits.” Then, on page 171 she talks about attaching ourselves or becoming dependent on something other than God. There is more to this issue in the book but I’m just writing about what is applying to me right now. She says that “God created us to be attached to Him; therefore, He made us with a very real need to be attached….Satan offers us alternate attachments masquerading as fulfillments to our inner needs. Any attachment other than God is a fraud.” She points out the attachment in this context is different from healthy relationships with things or people. This is referring to growing dependent on something other than God. My confession: I am dependent on the health and happiness of my children. That is my security. If they are well then I am well. If any one thing is wrong with them, my world is shattered. I have made their wellbeing an idol.

I went to bed thinking I need to let go and surrender to God. I can’t control it all. I can’t make my children happy or healthy. I can nurture and guide them but mentally I’ve been trying to control it all. If I worry enough then I am controlling the situation. I knew that I had to let go if I was going to let God transform my heart. I was thinking about my prayers as of late asking God to be near me or with me but last night realized He is IN me and that He WILL transform me IF I will let go of my grasp. I have to give up all control to Him and He will THEN do the work of transforming. If I continue to hold on He is still there within me but can’t work and I don’t get to experience His peace that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:7).

So, this morning I’m reading my Jesus Calling devotional and it says “Be still while I transform your heart and mind. Let go of cares and worries, so that you can receive My Peace.” This was just what I was thinking as I was going to sleep. Amazing. The strange thing is this was on June 2^nd and I have no idea why I read that page first because I was behind and was going to read a few pages in March and April.

April 6^th talked about Eve’s negative focus on the forbidden fruit while she was surrounded by the many good things freely available. The negative focus darkened her mind. When focusing on situations that are displeasing, the mind also becomes darkened looking for what is wrong and refusing to enjoy life until that is “fixed.” “When you approach Me with thanksgiving, the Light of My Presence pours into you, transforming you through and through, Walk in the Light with Me by practicing the discipline of thanksgiving.” This is what I’m trying to do by recording blessings/gifts ala Ann Voskamp. Yesterday I was focused on/obsessed with something that was one small thing but I couldn’t stop worrying about it. I realized what I was doing but couldn’t stop myself. I prayed about it but no change. I am realizing the circumstances may not change but I can live above them. Seems like something someone I know well might say….Daddy maybe? Could he be right? Yesterday if I could have submitted, let go, and trusted God with this little obsession He would have had the chance to transform me. But, until I let go and let Him there will be no transformation and I will continue to read the Truth without changing. Like Beth Moore said, something is required of me-trust and obedience and taking my hands/mind off the problem. I believe this is the enemy’s strategy because as long as there is no transformation and I continue to cope poorly with stress I am no poster child for the Kingdom of God. God has already done such a transformation in me that I could be a powerful testimony to God-but not in this condition and the enemy knows it.

Finally, April 2^nd is all about two of the verses I’ve memorized this year for the Beth Moore scripture memorization project (Phil 4:19 and 2 Cor 4:17): “I have promised to meet all your needs according to My glorious riches. Your deepest, most constant need is for My Peace. I have planted Peace in the garden of your heart, where I live; but there are weeds growing there too: pride, worry, selfishness, unbelief. I am the Gardener, and I am working to rid your heart of those weeds. I do My work in various ways. When you sit quietly with Me, I shine the Light of My Presence directly into your heart. In this heavenly Light, Peace grows abundantly and weeds shrivel up. I also send trials into your life. When you trust Me in the midst of trouble, Peace flourishes and weeds die away. Thank Me for troublesome situations; the Peace they can produce far outweigh the trials you endure.”

“When you trust Me in the midst of trouble, Peace flourishes and weeds die away.” This is what I am trying to do. Trust in the midst of trouble-even if it is just perceived trouble in my mind. Stop waiting for the circumstance to change to have peace because there will always be a new circumstance. And most importantly, there will never be transformation if I skate by on circumstantial peace. I want to be transformed and be dependent on God. I no longer want to be dependent on circumstances. Today I will work on trusting and letting go.

Finally, in reading Beth Moore’s Breaking Free she talks about passing down good and bad things to your children. She has readers go back and look at what has been passed down to them through their family lines, both positive and negative. Then she has readers consider what they want to keep from their family lines and what they need to break free from and don’t want to pass down. I do come by my anxiety honestly but I will do anything I can to prevent my girls from struggling with this issue. Anything. If I can break free from this issue they will have a better chance of not dealing with it. So, part of my work is motivated to stop this issue from impacting anyone else in this family. The pain I may suffer in letting go of control will be worth it if my girls grow up learning to be dependent on God and not on circumstances. If I can’t learn the lesson first I have no chance of being able to teach it to them.

KK