Mommy Musings

I've had a lot of thoughts lately about how important Mommies are. First of all, in all of my deep thoughts I have noticed a trend in children's board books. Most of them are about Mommies and their babies or children. Not that there aren't any books about Daddies but most books if they are a parent are about the Mommy. For example: Are You My Mother?; Momma Will You?; Little Mommy; The Runaway Bunny; Mama's Little Duckling; and Little Quack (not obvious by the title but about a Mommy encouraging her ducklings to jump into the water). At the same time I noticed this trend I also noticed that when Ryan is playing with her dolls or stuffed animals she will oftentimes say this is the Mommy and this is the baby. Or she will say that so-and-so is sad because she misses her Mommy. Or she will say, so-and-so does not have a Mommy...will you be her Mommy? Or she will be reading a book and ask who the Mommy is in the pictures (to be fair, she also will ask who the Daddy is as well as Nana and Papa and a million other questions). But, in general she is focused on the mother-child relationship.

I also had two conversations with mothers about guilt recently. One mother felt guilty that she was missing work to stay home with her sick child but she wouldn't have it any other way. Had she gone on to work and had someone else take care of the child she probably would have felt more guilty. That same mother was also feeling guilty about what she feeds her children-not healthy enough. She said she was creating "cancer on a stick." Another mother was in the process of moving her family across the country and felt guilty that she was letting her children watch too much television. But, this was the only way she was able to get things done. I have rarely heard Daddies talk about guilt. They are usually confident in what they do and don't second guess time spent away from their children. They usually just roll their eyes when their Mommy partner worries about something they wish they had done differently or something they didn't do.

I saw this quote a long time ago and have thought about it and found it again on the Internet so I could be accurate. Jackie Kennedy said "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." Not specific to mothers but a good quote that I think about when I feel "unproductive" and the house is a mess and we are all wearing hooded towels pretending to be princesses. If you are wondering how wearing hooded towels and pretending to be princesses is related to raising children well-then you fall into the same camp as my mother who recently made a comment about how I could get more done because Ryan and Charley are so good. My reply was that "I don't stay home to be productive, I stay home to build relationships with my children." To which hysterical laughter that is only heard from her one to two times a year at most followed. She claims her friend was also laughing hysterically when she relayed the story to her. When I asked her to explain what was so funny, she said I wouldn't understand. So, if wearing hooded towels sitting in a disastrous house doesn't sound like good parenting that will make it less likely to bungle raising your children, then I guess my reply would be that you wouldn't understand.

And another quote I saw on another blog by Annie Dillard is something I think about when it's 4:00, I haven't showered or dressed (and neither has Ryan), we have no groceries for dinner, and the house is a wreck but we played "house" on the bed with Charley for an hour and we read books together (both in my lap). "The way we spend our days is, of course, the way we spend our lives." When I think about Ryan and Charley's childhood "days"-I try to think about what I will wish I did and I know it won't be cooking or cleaning and that I will wish I had even more of the fun moments that we have now.

So even though I feel like I do a good job of enjoying the moments with them and that I don't get too caught up with being "productive" I still feel guilt when I do things that have to be done--pay bills, do dishes, do laundry, write rambling essays about my thoughts on motherhood, etc. It is hard going from structure, "accomplishing" and being able to make a list and check it off to having the longest list in your head and leaving it for later (which may be 18 years) while you play Peek-A-Boo. The only thing that will matter 100 years from now (thanks Daddy for that question to ask myself) is my children, their children, etc. and the way I interact with them now will impact that.

So, enough of my musings...Pat took Ryan and Charley to get a surprise for me. I don't know if it's my late Mother's Day present or my early birthday present. Ryan was really excited and wouldn't tell me what she was doing but I almost tricked her into telling me. So, I have the house to myself and I'll use the time to start cleaning it up. I was going to go run but it's thundering. I guess I wasn't meant to work out. I guess that won't matter in 100 years either (unless my fatty diet and inactivity kills me early and I don't get enough times to play princess to make sure Ryan and Charley turn out well).

KK