Happy Birthday Mommy!

I've decided to write a little birthday post to myself. So far it's been the best birthday ever because it is the first birthday that Ryan has sort of understood and is excited about. She keeps saying "Happy Birthday Mommy." She gave me some presents this morning which consisted of her stuffed animals. As the day has gone on, she has given me more including magnets off of the refrigerator and a leaf outside. She also sang Happy Birthday to me. She and Pat made me cupcakes this afternoon. She was so excited and talked about it all day. She said she was going to put happy faces and "poke-eee-dots" on them. When it was all said and done she decorated a couple of them and then began eating. She forgot about the happy faces in all of the excitement. I guess the sprinkles counted as "poke-eee-dots." While the cupcakes were baking, Pat was helping Ryan and Charley make "cards" for me. We had a little meltdown that resulted in Pat threatening to decorate the cupcakes himself if Ryan couldn't share the purple paper with Charley. Ryan wanted Charley to use white paper and and was crying as if she had just lost her best friend because she didn't want her to use the purple paper (even though she had our own purple paper). For a few minutes she was unable to get it together and agree to share. Finally, she pulled herself up by her purple rain boot straps and stopped crying, shared and decorated the cupcakes.

***WARNING...PROCEED WITH CAUTION....THIS MAY BE A LITTLE MUCH FOR SOME***


So, I've written alot about R & C but today I was running and listening to my "Jesus Music" as I call it and reflecting on being born 37 years ago on the day that the St. Louis Cardinals were playing in Cincinnati (as they are today). Sometimes I have these moments where the awesomeness of God just strikes me. Music seems to help me have those moments. I was listening to the song "Bless the Broken Road" by Selah (Angie Smith's husband/Bring the Rain). I have loved this song and it has always reminded me of Pat. The song is about setting out to find true love on the broken road, getting lost, not seeing how every sign pointed straight to you, and it being part of a grander plan that is coming true. The chorus is: "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." I've always thought that fit so perfectly with my very broken, lost, searching, self-destructive, sinful (dare I say that...my 20-year-old self is rolling over in the grave). I had no interest, no relationship, and no understanding of God. I made horrendous and dangerous choices. I was selfish. I was having fun but so miserable. I picked the worst possible people to date and tried to make it work. God did not give up on me. He continued to love me even though I gave Him very little thought. I believe my family's praying for me behind the scenes had an impact even though there was probably no evidence of it for a long, long time. That is a reminder to me now that no matter how things look to our human eyes-there is more going on than we can see and those bad choices CAN work together for good to those who love Him. Because literally if I look at some of my big choices that were made for the wrong reasons it is those very choices that did lead me to Seattle where I met Pat. Had I made what looked like the better choice at the time I'm fairly confident I wouldn't have ended up in Seattle. So, I have direct experience that God can turn ashes into beauty.. But the amazing thing is He will do it for someone who is blatantly disregarding Him and only years later realizes what He has done. He does this because He loves us. That's amazing to me. What is sad is that I can see that in this example where I know "the ending."But, when I deal with my day-to-day life and fears and anxiety I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that because I love Him God will use EVERYTHING in my life for my good and His glory and that it WILL all end up OK. I know that intellectually but am still fighting very hard to believe it to my core. I don't have to be scanning my world for danger so that I can be on top of it immediately because no matter what the circumstance I know that because of Jesus that it will be made perfect in the end. After what God has done for me I am ashamed not to trust Him with everything.


Shifting gears abruptly...this morning Ryan got in our bed when she woke up. She said "me smell something." Pat asked her what it smelled like. She said "Mommy." He asked if it was a good smell or a bad smell and she said a "bad smell." I'm laughing as I type this. Anyone who knows me well would understand how funny this is due to my irregular shower schedule.



KK